Another Saturday Night and I Ain't Got Nobody...

I had a moment of panic a little earlier this evening when I found myself home alone on a Saturday night and watching Dancing with the Stars. I almost couldn't stand the horror. I'm ok now, though. The crisis has been averted. Thank god for DVR. 

At one point this afternoon when I came home from the gym, I thought, "So what's so bad about having a nice calm life where I don't have a partner?" I think I've been so focused on not having a partner or even a good date, really, that I haven't been appreciating the time I have with myself. I have so many things I can do that I really enjoy. I have friends I can get together with. I'm ok with it. 

I will do eHarmony once the divorce is filed but I'm not all that optimistic about it. That's ok too. Everything will happen in its own time. As one of my colleagues said recently, grass doesn't grow any faster if you pull it.

It's so cold out there tonight, I've built a fire in the fireplace, hopefully, for the last time in this apartment both because I hope it gets warmer and because I hope my next fire (in the fireplace) is in the condo I just bought! Yay! I'm really looking forward to living in a place that doesn't feel like a college apartment complex. Of course, they're sprucing this place up right as I leave...

I'm looking forward to having a garage that has a door right into the house. I'm looking forward to having a garage at all, actually. I'm looking forward to having more storage space and cathedral ceilings and new hardwood floors that I'll have installed before I move in. I'm looking forward to painting the walls whatever colors I want. 

Now all I have to do is get health insurance and I'll have a more stable life again. Looking forward to these final steps in setting up a new beginning.  

Match.wtf

Unrelated to the topic of this entry, let me say that I really, really appreciate those of you who expressed support and concern about my health care crisis crisis. I was kind of freaking out about it then. I'm feeling much better about it after talking to an insurance broker. There are at least a few more options to try before I'm without insurance at all and Geoff is generous enough to stay married for that process. I felt very loved when you responded. :-)

Now, to the title of this entry...Match.com. A new adventure. I decided to join for a number of reasons. First, I thought it would be interesting to try something different. Most of you might remember when online dating first came out. When I first moved to C-U, I was single and considered trying something like that but at that time, the rumor (fear) was that only crazy people used such services and you had a 90% chance of being abducted, assaulted and murdered if you even looked at the site. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about now that it's become more popular and I'm single again. 

Another reason for me to join was because I really, really want to learn to lighten up. Since I've always struggled with self-esteem, I thought it would be a good risk to just put myself out there and see what happens. I will say that it has triggered my shame more than once. I have a couple of pictures up and am convinced that when people see the pictures, they most often click very quickly to get away from the horror. Ok. I'm exaggerating but it feels a little that way. I think I'd only be satisfied if everyone who looked at my profile would then try to contact me. That's what I need to work on. Not very practical or good for me either. 

First of all, the process to even register took me a really long time! I'm not sure why, now that I think of it. There are a few places where you can write a narrative so I guess I took too long to write some of those. Once I was on, though, it was amazing how much action I got!! I'd limited my geographic search to within 20 miles of C-U but I got men from all over the country "winking" at me, sending a brief email, etc. I was so surprised and felt a little bit like "ok. Maybe I'm not so bad after all." Well...turns out this wasn't what we call a "corrective emotional experience" in my field.

I responded to one profile of a person who supposedly lived in Rome, GA. I was curious so I responded to an email. He responded and wanted to chat on Yahoo so I switched over to that. He came on waaaaayyyy strong but what an interesting guy! He was from Ireland. He had one daughter who was 12. His photos showed him painting but he was a computer salesman who traveled all over the world. He had been with his partner for 13 years and the two finally wanted to have a big wedding so they saved up all their money to do it up. Unfortunately, poor guy, two days before the wedding, he found out his wife had been cheating. She left him and their daughter and in the past 3 years, the mother had never tried to get in touch with the daughter. Oh....and then his parents died that same year and his sister died last year. This was all in one chat session!! He said that he was working in West Africa. Wow! That's really interesting, isn't it?! 

Jeez. I felt like such an idiot for not doing more research about Match.com before I signed up. After this weird chat, I immediately did a google search. Turns out, there are people who create false profiles, try to lure unsuspecting people and then try to get money from them (you know, like the "I lost my passport can you send me money to get out of __________?" whatever country they choose.) I reported the person and confronted him directly through a chat he started. He protested and became indignant. He told me I could check him with the FBI and gave an Atlanta number I could call to check on him. He'd even put up a fake business site (like on LinkedIn or something).  Then he said, "And after you check it out, never contact me again!" Okay...Needless to say, the profile was gone immediately.

I have to say, I wasn't really upset about the possible match falling through. I was more upset about what it says about people that they're pulling those kinds of scams. I never amaze myself by how trusting and naive I can be. I like that about myself but it also means I get disappointed in people frequently. I guess because in my work, I meet with people who make themselves vulnerable and have no reason not to tell the truth, I just expect people "out there" to be that way too. It's beyond my comprehension how people justify their behavior. I get it intellectually but it surprises me almost every time. I can spot these kinds of profiles now and am really annoyed with how many there are. I wrote Match.com to complain and told them I wanted to reduce my subscription so now I'll only be on for a month. It's worth that much of a try! 

In all fairness, I did meet one very nice man a couple of days ago and he was a good person. No love connection but I enjoyed the evening. It restored my faith in people a little bit. After this month, I guess I'll maybe try eHarmony to see if they block out scammers better. Maybe I'll just go back to meeting people the old fashioned way...or maybe I'll just be ok being alone!

Health Care Crisis Crisis

The health care crisis I've been hearing about all these years just hit home today. I received the news that my application for a new health insurance policy with the carrier I've had for years was declined. Now that I won't be able to be on Geoff's insurance, I have to find my own. I'm not sure why I was rejected yet. I'll be getting a letter in the mail soon telling me the reasons. I imagine it's all that depression and anxiety. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I'm in good health. I'm relatively young. I haven't had a single hospitalization for physical or mental health reasons. I'm going to need more health care because the stress of finding health care coverage is going to take a toll on my health!

I'm not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing that I had three clients in a row right after I got the news. It was good because it distracted me and kept me from panicking. It was a bad thing because I just wanted to cry and freak out but had to hold it together. I'm more aware than ever of how privileged I've been all my life to never worry in a significant way about health care coverage. I've always, always had insurance. I'm not sure what will happen if no one accepts me or if the cost becomes prohibitive. I feel pretty vulnerable and adrift. I think I have a much better idea of why people stay in marriages and jobs where they aren't happy. Is that the choice we have to make? Jeez. And what about the people who don't even have that choice. I trust that I'll figure something out.

Sweeeeet!

I can't tell you how exciting my life has been. To recent activities like cleaning the ashes out of my fireplace and sorting buttons at The IDEA Store, I've added sweet potato carving. Does it get any better than this? Really...

I went to a carving workshop at The IDEA Store yesterday and these cranky, crotchety older men with United States Veteran pins on every visible part of their vests and caps taught me and about 15 girl scouts how to carve a sweet potato. I guess the idea is to move on to wood...I really liked it! I've always wanted to take sculpture because I think my three D perspective is pretty good and I've never tried it before. 


Apparently, sweet potato carving is quite the craft. Carving an old man's face into the sweet potato seems to be a particularly popular pastime because the sweet potato shrivels up when it dries. It gets as hard as wood. Makes sense, I guess, because it is a root! Duh.

If you're interested, you can check out this book. :-) 

Such beautiful artwork (I'm joking). Seriously, I'd like to learn how to carve wood and make smooth, abstract objects with it. 

In the workshop, I picked my sweet potato and wanted to make a generic bird because the shape of the potato reminded me of a bird. It was the weirdest thing, though. The more I carved, the more the potato spoke to me. I thought maybe a robin or a cardinal but the potato kept whispering "penguin...I'm a penguin." So here's what I ended up with. Hilarious!! The sweet little girl scout who was sitting next to me said "that's such a cool penguin" and looked at me in awe. I'm that good. I'm too lazy to photoshop these so we'll let the art speak for itself. 

Not bad, huh? It will look nothing like this when it's all shriveled up. I know, I know "that's what she said." I'll try to remember to post a photo because then the excitement will have fully realized itself. 

Every time I try a new craft, I want to pick it up and get obsessed with it. I think I'd prefer wood but we'll see where this carving thing goes. Maybe I can mix knitting, bead making, painting, book binding, shrine making (another class I took recently), welding (I learned a little welding and would love to do more of it!), sweet potato carving and wood carving. If you have any ideas for a project that would combine all of these, please get in touch with me immediately!

Rough Weekend

Sweet Darkness

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

-- David Whyte

Turning the Corner

In my experience, both personally and professionally, things don't tend to change in an instant but very slowly over a long period of time. Occasionally, though, I've experienced or witnessed some kind of psychological/emotional sea change that surprises me. About two weeks ago, a couple of things converged all at once that flooded me with grief, loss, despair, hurt and anger. That was probably one of the two lowest points of the past year and a half or so. It was so primal I couldn't even fully understand what was happening for me. It's like I imploded. 

The real surprise came over the next day or so. I woke up the next morning and felt lighter. I felt liberated from a weight I'd been carrying around in my heart. It doesn't feel like a straightforward change (e.g., that I was worried about something and now I'm not worried any more). It feels like something deeper and more systemic shifted and created a sort of chain reaction. I wondered if the new state would last for long and I'm finding that it actually is. I was concerned about how the holidays would be since it was a year ago today (12/26) that I moved out of our home. Turns out that I've enjoyed the holidays and haven't felt too sad or depressed. It's still on my mind, of course, but I've been doing pretty well!

I still feel pretty calm and more optimistic about the future. I have ideas about how to continue this life transition in ways that will help me grow and reflect more deeply. They mostly center around mindfulness, compassion, creativity and some of the teachings of Pema Chodron. 

She's a Buddhist nun who has written lots of books and has recorded many of her presentations. I first borrowed some CD's (OK - I illegally copied them...) from my sister Sarah some time ago and have finally gotten around to listening to them. I don't ever see myself becoming a real practicing Buddhist but she speaks to me at this time in my life. She talks about the importance of having the courage to experience pain and struggle rather than trying to escape from it. She sees these experiences as opportunities to build wisdom and compassion. 

She also emphasizes the importance of loving kindness toward others and ourselves. It sounds like common sense but actually practicing compassion and loving kindness is really difficult. The way she talks about these things feels very accessible and accepting. It feels a little bit like I'm at such a vulnerable place that I'm ready and open for these ideas. 

In addition, in my field (and many others), there's so much information coming out about how plastic the brain actually is. I think I've had the idea that I can't really change my fate; that the things I haven't liked about myself or have felt are wrong with me can't be changed. More and more, I'm learning that our brains can change. I'm not locked into repeating old patterns and feelings again and again and again. 

I feel empowered by the possibilities these changes are opening up for me. I'm sure I'll have good days and bad. My hope is to be able to develop equanimity -- this is a concept Pema Chodron talks about a lot. I thought I knew what it meant but looked it up to be sure. Equanimity is "mental or emotional stability or composure, esp. under tension or strain." Synonyms are "calm, composed, balanced, tranquil." 

Here are some quotes by Pema Chodron that I especially like right now:

• Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us.
• You're the only one who knows when you're using things to protect yourself and keep your ego together and when you're opening and letting things fall apart, letting the world come as it is - working with it rather than struggling against it. You're the only one who knows.
• Sometimes the completely open heart and mind of bhodichitta is called the soft spot, a place as vulnerable and tender as an open wound. It is equated, in part, with our ability to love. [...] Sometimes this broken heart gives birth to anxiety and panic, sometimes to anger, resentment, and blame. But under the hardness of that armor there is the tenderness of genuine sadness. This is our link with all those who have ever loved. This genuine heart of sadness can teach us great compassion. It can humble us when we're arrogant and soften us when we are unkind. It awakens us when we prefer to sleep and pierces through our indifference. This continual ache of the heart is a blessing that when accepted fully can be shared with all."

A little less than two years ago, I described myself as waking up. It's been such a difficult painful journey but I've maintained my resolve to be awake in my life and to be authentic in my choices; to finally shed the shame that's been my burden for most of my life. I'm hoping that I'm turning a corner; that I'll finally start feeling the peace of mind and even joy that comes with living authentically and without toxic shame.  

Maddy's Home!!

Went to get Maddy from U.W. on Wednesday and Thursday this week! It's been good to see her. It's about a four and a half hour drive and two and a half of it was very, very foggy:

It actually got better as it got darker because I could see tail lights in front of me when I started getting close to another car. 


It was great to see Maddy although most of the day, I saw this:

She needed to catch up on her sleep since she'd gotten up that morning to take a 7:30am final!! Luckily, we didn't have a wreck -- not sure the seat belt would have been very effective in that position!

Seriously!?

Haven't I been through enough already? Fortune cookie wisdom from my lunch a couple of days ago:

New Find

I recently discovered the neatest store here in Champaign. It's called the I.D.E.A. Store and describes itself as:

"A place where artists, educators, recyclers, and friends can find re-use materials for the projects that fill our lives."

It's a non-profit that benefits the local school district. The woman who taught both of the Typography courses I took told me about it several weeks ago so I had always wanted to check it out. On a gloomy, rainy, snowy day this weekend, I stopped by. I really enjoyed it! It's all about creativity and art. I'll be volunteering there after Christmas and I'm really looking forward to helping, playing and meeting some new, interesting people. Can't wait to start! If you're interested, go to the link to the brochure on their website.  

Peace and Quiet

I'm sitting in the Pittsburgh airport and quite enjoying myself. Spending Thanksgiving at Sarah's was just what I needed. It was wonderful to be around family. As with most larger gatherings, I can sometimes get overstimulated and irritable but this year, things felt just right. I took some alone time when I needed it, didn't force myself to do things I didn't want to do and was able to spend individual time with some of my family. While I'm a little stressed about everything I need to do when I get home, I'm mostly feeling very relaxed and rested.  Here are a few pictures of the fam. 

While I was waiting for my 1pm flight out of Pittsburgh, they asked for a volunteer to take a later flight since they'd oversold the original flight I was on. It was kind of pathetic but I thought, "well, I don't have anything waiting for me at home except a chilly apartment so I'll just hang out in the Pittsburgh airport for a few extra hours." The $250 voucher for my next flight didn't hurt either. I gotta tell you, if you have to be stuck in an airport for a few hours, Pittsburgh's kind of a fun one to be stuck in. It's absolutely empty and very quiet. So...I can do whatever I want! I'm sitting here naked right now, just to see if anyone walks by. 

Before, I walked around to the shops. They have good ones here so it was a bit dangerous. Found a very cute cardigan in the Gap but managed not to buy it. Saw a purse I fell in love with in 9 West but managed not to buy it. Tried on some shoes there too but managed not to buy them. Was tempted by some good smelling unctions at L'Occitane and managed to get out of there with only a few samples on different parts of my arms. It's funny but of the perfumes they had, I preferred the mens cologne.  I almost always do. I think the womens stuff is just too flowery and strong. I wore Lagerfeld in college and over the weekend, got some of the same stuff my brother-in-law wears. Maybe I'm really a man trapped in a woman's body. That could explain the hair growing on my chest.
All I ended up with is a few pairs of socks (or sox as the store name would have it). It was fun to window shop anyway. 

So...I think my plane will be boarding in about 15 minutes so I'll start to gather my things and head to the gate. Hey, they just asked for a volunteer to give up a seat again -- the ante's up - $300! I could go to Hawaii!! Hmmmmmmm....Maybe I'll just travel from airport to airport giving up my seat to pay for the next flight. Naahhhh.
I hope everyone had a great holiday and is feeling rested and ready to get back to work!

Hidden Genius

How did the adults in my life miss the uncultivated artistic talent that I had as a child? In looking through some old pictures my sister had, we found this unbelievable work of art from when I was 4 years old. It was a valentine for my great grandmother.
 
I think they must have been threatened by my talent. Or maybe they were concerned that the world would be so enamored of my masterpieces that it would chew me up and spit me out before I even grew up. I guess I should be grateful that they protected me! :-) 

Back to the Basics

The holidays are upon us. Except for my annual Thanksgiving cold or sinus infection, I generally really look forward to the holiday season. Thanksgiving is probably my favorite given the particular prominence afforded to one ginormous meal (at least in my family). Favorites -- a forkful of turkey, cranberry sauce, and sweet potato souffle. Any one of these without the others just doesn't taste like Thanksgiving. And then there's the whipped cream to pumpkin pie ratio - 10:1. If I get these two things, I'm a happy camper.

Luckily, my body decided to get its cold a week before Thanksgiving so that by the time I fly to Pittsburgh on Wednesday, the cold will all but have disappeared. I'll get the flu shot on Tuesday afternoon, just to be safe. 

This year is a tough one though because I won't be spending the two central holidays (November 25th and December 25th) with the family I thought I'd be spending every holiday with until I died. The first year of that kind of shift is always the toughest. 

I'm very, very thankful that I have a loving family during these times. I'll be traveling to Sarah's for Thanksgiving and Lisa's for Christmas. It was a little difficult to invite myself to Christmas but I knew I didn't want to wake up alone on Christmas day this year. While I have dear friends who would have gladly included me in their festivities, there's no replacement for being with a family who has known me all or most of my life and will welcome me with love and understanding and a listening ear if I need it. I will miss the time I could have spent with Toby and Maddy while they're here but I just don't feel strong enough yet to weather these holidays alone.  

I'm a big fat sentimental baby so I give a lot of meaning to these kinds of changes and it's very painful for me. What it does remind me of, though, is that I am so lucky to have family (and extended family -- brothers-in-law, nephews, soon to be niece by marriage, brother-in-law's parents) whom I genuinely look forward to spending time with and the means to get to them when I need to the most. I hope you will also be spending your holidays with people you enjoy and love. Even if your heart is breaking.  

Art

Have I mentioned before how much I love taking art classes? For those of you who haven't taken an art class, in my experience, anyway, they're usually pretty long (3 hours) and there's often "studio" time where the students can work on their pieces while the instructor is there in order to get feedback and guidance. At least I'm assuming that's why they schedule them the way they do. When we're each working on our individual pieces, there's often at least one moment in the class where everyone's quiet and focused. I almost always catch it. The energy is hushed and kind of suspended. I love that moment. 

One of the assignments that spans the semester is what our instructor calls "color observed." We had to find a landscape or other "tableau" that we could observe live. I found this shack. 

I took the picture one day and then went back another day to observe the actual color, pick paper that matches the colors and then put it all together in a pretty picture. It looks different, of course, because the lighting was different and, well, it's a bunch of cut out paper!!

We have to do three of these. I'm hoping I can wait until it snows and do one then. The third one can be anything we want it to be. I might us origami paper or some other patterned paper to do mine. I also thought about getting a bunch of National Geographic and tearing pieces from there. I'm stealing that from Sarah who did an amazing self-portrait using NG mags. Pretty cool! She probably doesn't even remember I have it. I love the naked baby on her jawline.

 
We're also working on two other projects. They're designed to help us learn about mixing paint. For this one, we were to use one color, black and white and mix them to create a basic geometric piece. The one I haven't finished yet will be with the triads (purple, orange and green) and white, mixing them to create another piece with the same geometric pattern. I know, fascinating, right?! 

Whatever the final products look like (1st grade art?), I'm loving it!!

Wood Type Redux

I made my second trip to Hamilton Wood Type Museum last weekend. It wasn't as fun and new as the first time I went but I'm still glad I made the trip. This time, there was a conference. The drive up was really nice. I took state highways so got to see the countryside more. On the way up through Illinois, I passed through a windmill farm. For some reason, those things fascinate me. I think it's their sheer enormity. The few times I've been anywhere close to a cruise ship, I've had the same reaction. They're just so big! The windmills just seem eerie, surreal, futuristic, foreign, and maybe even a little sinister. 

I stayed at the same kitschy Lighthouse Inn where I stayed before. When I checked in, they told me I'd been upgraded to a lakeside room. I didn't argue! I opened the window a crack so I could hear the waves even though it was a bit chilly outside.

Same sort of out of date slightly weird vibe. Check out the do not disturb sign.  Clean it up NOW, woman!

There were about 80 people at the conference and we were split up into 4 groups and attended 4 separate sessions. As always, I felt extremely shy and awkward around a bunch of people I didn't know. There were a couple of people who were nice to me because I'd met them at the workshop I went to in the summer but they're kind of big whigs in wood type (I know, small pond!) so they were in high demand. I just have such a hard time mingling and approaching people. So...most of the time, I was alone in the crowd. It was lonely at times. Especially the meals. People were friendly enough but had their own groups. Besides, they're all in the field and I'm an outlier since I just do it for fun! How weird is that?

I really enjoyed learning more about wood type and history, though. For people who aren't interested in Wood Type, it may not be so interesting but I thought it was great! One session was by a man from the Newberry Library in Chicago. One of the things that companies who made Wood Type did was create specimen books. These were basically the catalogs they sent to potential customers. Most of them were ok but not particularly artistic. 

One, however, was from a very high end company -- Wm. H. Page & Co. -- whose specimen book was basically an art book. The presenter showed images from this specimen book (of which there are very few and they're very expensive). Here's a blog (by one of the other presenters) where there's an image of one of the letters. An artist also used one of the blocks from the Page company and made prints for those of us attending to have. It's just beautiful!! There's a different block for every color and the artist had to run it through for each color and get it lined up just right. I'd love to have the equipment to play around with this stuff!  

Two of the presenters talked about the history of wood type in Italy. There's a museum in Italy that I would love, love, love to go to called Tipoteca Italiana. The presenter talked about the museum but also talked about the area of Italy it's in. So beautiful!! It's one of those situations where the community of people interested in this stuff is small enough that if I contacted him and let him know I had been at this conference, he would help me as a tourist. Man, that would be so fun...

There's a place in Nashville called Hatch Show Print where they've been doing wood type prints since 1879 and have had a resurgence as modern musicians have used them to print their posters. The guy that runs the place spoke at dinner and he was a major, major narcissist. Yuck. The place seems interesting but jeez, he was full of himself. 

One of the most interesting things about the conference was learning about a font and wood type that were specifically created for the Lushootseed language spoken by the Tulalip Tribes in the Northwest US and into British Columbia. Lushootseed was not a written language until it became less commonly spoken and the people wanted to develop a way to record it so it wouldn't be lost. An alphabet was developed but the tribes were having to use fonts already available like Times New Roman. Because these fonts were not specific to the language, they weren't entirely accurate and they didn't look very pretty which might discourage potential speakers - i.e., younger generations - to want to learn it/read it and to feel pride in it. 

Juliet Shen worked with the Hamilton Wood Type Museum to develop wood type from her font that could be used to educate Tulalip children in Lushootseed at a summer language camp (and beyond). Here's a story about it with some other links. Pretty neat.

If you're still reading, I'm sure your eyes have glazed over, but...the last thing I'll mention is that there was a faculty member from U of Texas who curates the Rob Roy Kelly Collection. The web site is really nice and gives some background about wood type with examples.  

On the way back home, I had a beautiful drive through the Wisconsin countryside on my way to see Maddy in Madison - I guess I can just call it Maddyson from here on out. As always, it was really fun to see her and spend time with her. We had lunch, shopped, went with her and her roommate Katie to the craft store and bead store so they could get some fun projects since neither of them has a car and can't get out for that kind of stuff often. Maddy's learning to crochet and Katie's learning how to knit. The drive home was very long and boring but I survived. It was worth it!

The Zone

I forgot how good it feels to really do a cardio workout!! I thought I was doing enough but last week, I added spinning to my little 5:30am exercise class routine and I can't believe what a difference it makes. I already feel better physically and emotionally. I splurged on a heart rate monitor and I was sad to see that I can't even maintain the aerobic zone I should be able to at my age. It's ok, though -- gives me something to aim for! Feels good to be taking good care of my body. Now if I could only get myself to eat more vegetables. I really don't like most vegetables. Anybody heard of a pure carb/protein/fat diet? Turn me onto it if you have. :-)

Eve

The latest creation for my color class. What a blast! I wish I could be a full time art student...

 

Another Try

I've recently (i.e., yesterday) decided that I need to recommit myself to a healthier lifestyle. Generally, I do a pretty good job. I exercise a fair amount these days. I try to get enough sleep. My big issue is eating as a way of coping with difficult feelings and kind of as a form of rebellion. I just feel so deprived when I can't have that chocolate dessert or take a smaller portion than I'm used to. It's like I see it as a dare -- "Yeah...go ahead. Just try to deprive me. I'll show you! I'll have TWO servings of chocolate cake. Ha! So there! As god is my witness, I will never be hungry again!" Well, I just need to get over the drama. I was looking online and found this web site called sparkpeople.com. It was started by this guy who sold software or a website or something that was like ebay to ebay. He became a gazillionaire and decided that he wanted to do something to help people reach their goals -- specifically goals about health and weight loss. 

So this website is a really comprehensive place to get support, ideas, inspiration and practical tools to try to make these changes. I know it's not magic and it really is up to me whether I make the changes or not but I'm hoping that having a frequent reminder of my goals I'll be able to keep it up. It's kind of like a Facebook for healthy living. I know some of you are also interested in healthy lifestyle so thought you might want to know about it. If you sign up, you can just say I told you about it (qualialori is my user name) and I think we'll get friended automatically. 

It's totally free of charge and I haven't been able to see any catch yet. There are advertisements of course but they aren't overly intrusive and don't get in the way of using the site at all. Apparently, this guy has the resources and he really does want to share them. Or...alternatively, he's a sociopath and is lying about that when he really wants to make money and is doing something sinister behind the scenes. I'll go with the former for now.  

Finally...Fall

Today was a perfect day for a walk. Cool but sunny. Before work today, I went for my walk around a local park. Felt good to be out and not sweltering. Felt good to stretch my legs. The leaves are starting to change which I love. 

One of the houses on my walk has a great yard with all kinds of plants. I've noticed recently that the woman who tends it has put in these little houses. I wish I could shrink down and live in one of them for the winter. Reminds me of how much I loved the scenes in I Dream of Jeannie when she was in the bottle. I was always so disappointed that they didn't have more scenes of her in there. I wanted my own little bottle to live in. I guess there was something about it that made me think it would be cozy and safe and comfy and contained.  

 

So...if I disappear as the weather gets colder, don't worry, I'll be back when spring comes. I'll be hibernating most of the winter but feel free to stop by to leave some toothpicks so I can keep my little fire going or to drop off some baby corn or some frosted mini-wheats. Just don't leave any of those high Barbie doll heels. Cute but not practical. I think I'll make my main residence the green house with the red roof.

More Woodtype?!

I'm really excited!! I might be able to go back to Hamilton Wood Type Museum for a three day event. It's called Wayzgoose. Now I just have to figure out if I can afford it or not. It would be so great. Maybe I could skip therapy a few weeks and go to this instead...It's definitely therapeutic. I'll keep you posted...

The Challenge

Only those who avoid love can avoid grief. The point is to learn from grief and remain vulnerable to love. ~ John Brantner

The most difficult challenge I'm facing right now...If you know how to do this...please...teach me!