I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
                      Dawna Markova

Rough evening. It's been almost a year since my life began to unravel and become the unrecognizable thing it is today. I have no doubt that there will come a time when I recognize it as mine again but right this minute, I kinda feel like I want to live an unlived life. What a relief that would be! To live in a daze of routine. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. 
     I want to dive into fear and wallow in it. To shake and cry and scream and run away. I want to catch fire while I'm falling. I don't want to inhabit my days, I want to inhabit my bed and never leave its safety. To sleep for hours and hours so those pesky feelings won't bother me. 
     I don't want to be "awake." I want to push things underground again and be numb. I don't want to open and be more accessible. I want to be closed and safe and protected!!  I feel my heart not loosen but tighten and freeze and crack into a million icy shards.
     Despite the pull of the dark side, though, and how much easier it would be not to, I do inhabit my days. As painful and annoying and enraging as these darker emotions are sometimes, I'm awake and I'm staying awake. It's just such a damn lot of work.
     When I wrote about my life unraveling, I had to think that's a good metaphor! My life was all knitted up into this one way of being. I pulled on one little string and it all came apart. The material is still there. I just have to figure out how to knit things back together again. 
     I'm knitting a very pretty scarf right now (the photos don't do the color justice - it's a nice warm, orange-y color) and it seems an appropriate metaphor too. It has a leaf pattern -- yes, the obvious -- turning over a new leaf, etc. It also makes me think of an organic process. Things grow the way they grow. You just have to step back and get out of the way. I just have to trust the process, right? I'll end up where I need to be.

Sunshine!!

It's amazing how much a sunny day can lift my spirits! I'm trapped in my office today with back to back to back appointments but it's so nice to see the sun shining...I was thrilled yesterday evening when I got out of class and it was still bright outside. I was a little thrown off for a minute. 
     I also have another trip to look forward to so that cheers me up. Maddy and I have scheduled our trip to Amherst so she can visit UMass Amherst. March 31st to April 4th. I'll have time to visit with Susan in Boston and Maddy will have time to visit her lovely friend Rosie. It'll be a fun trip to take with Maddy. She's really great to spend time with and to travel with. She's very funny and is an easy traveler. I guess I'd better get online to see what the town has to offer. I want to see the bars the kids go to so Maddy and I can hang out with them at night. You know me, party, party, party. JK. I'll be in bed by 10...My partying consists of staying up past 11 and watching the Twilight movie or DVR'd shows like Shear Genius, Say Yes to the Dress and Project Runway. I'm so WILD.

I had no idea...

Thank you to those of you who sent emails reassuring me that you read my blog! I seriously wasn't fishing for that. It did make me feel loved, though. I have a really bad habit of assuming that if I'm out of someone's sight, I'm out of their mind. 
     It's hard for me to trust that I matter and that I'm loved so I project all kinds of rejection onto silence. Not just rejection but indifference, which I find far more painful than rejection (relatively). Causes me lots of unneeded worry. If someone does reject me, it's their loss anyway, right? (now I am fishing - feel free to agree with me on that one). I'm working to figure out how I can believe someone's feelings are still there even when they aren't reassuring me every five minutes. 
     It's kind of embarrassing that I'm already 30 years old and I still can't seem to grasp the concept of fully trusting and receiving consistent unconditional love. What's my deal?! Well, I know what my deal is. I won't bore you with family of origin details. Most of you already know them anyway (or experienced them with me). 
     I don't think it's that people haven't offered it, either. You all know who you are and I appreciate you staying with me while I learn. I think I don't know how to receive it. I suppose I could pull a Sarah Palin and write it on the palm of my hand. If I'm ever in doubt I could just look down and see "you matter to..." and list people. I guess that didn't work out so well for her, though, huh? 
     I mean, how do you know someone still cares if they're out of touch or if you go your separate ways? It's a serious question. You just know, magically? Is it something they've said or done? Is it about how much you believe in yourself and feel lovable? Do you say to yourself, "Of course they love me and are thinking about me. Who wouldn't? Look at me! I'm great!!" Please help my therapist out here if you have any pointers to help me get there. 
          I hope you know that even though I may not tell you every day (that would get old very quickly -- for you, not me!), I hold each of you very close to my heart and value your friendship/ sistership. I really hope I'm better at expressing my unconditional love than I am at receiving it. I'll keep trying...   ;-)

Yay, me!!

I just found out that the book cover and interior I designed for the Story Shop project was chosen to be this year's design! I'm actually really surprised. The Story Shop is a project where 7th and 8th grade students submit stories and a handful (18) are selected to be published in a book. Then they have a well known author come in for the awards ceremony to talk about writing. Here are my designs if you're interested.

 

Whaddaya think?!

Do you like the new look of my blog? If you haven't checked out this color website and you like playing with colors, you should! I could play around in that site all day. That's where I got the colors for this blog. I like this font too -- the little g is just so cute! I want to pinch its cheeks. I made it big here so you could see it better.
   I took the blog offline because it felt like no one was reading it anyway so I was just writing to myself. I already do that all the time in my private journal so it was really redundant and repetitive. Then, my sister Sarah called and left a message saying she'd gone to my blog but it was down. I felt all warm and fuzzy and decided to put it up again. I'll put it as my website in my Facebook account too in case anyone there wants to read about my thrilling life. If no one but you two read it, Lisa and Sarah, it's still worth it since we live so far away from each other! Thanks for checking it out every once in a while. 
   I'm a sick puppy so I'm crawling into my cozy bed and -- hopefully -- getting a full night's sleep tonight. Busy week ahead! Sleep tight. 

Dayum!!

It's cold out there!! I told Norma I thought it would be warm enough to go for a walk outside today. What was I thinking?! I did the walk but it's only 30 degrees. No hat or ear muffs or anything. I was fine until I turned around to walk back to my office and I got an arctic blast in my face. I think it's frozen in place now -- you know, when you've been in the cold a long time and it feels like you can't even smile because your face is about 3 inches thicker than it was when you went out into the cold? I think I was delusional because I'm so sick of this cold, dreary weather. Every single year, I forget this happens. 
  It does feel good to be in my office and warm again and I saw some blue sky peeking out. Imagine the time millions of years ago when people really didn't know that the weather was seasonal and thought winter might last forever.

My Arms Are Tired and the Rest of Me Too

I just flew in from New York and my arms are really tired...so funny. I'm wiped out!! I seriously had trouble getting up this morning. The trip wrapped up with a visit to Toby's new apartment - much better that the place he was living in before. His roommate Krista, whom I had met during his college days, fixed a delicious dinner for us. I like her a lot. She's an environmental lawyer who wants to work for nonprofits. Not a good economy for that, but I hope she finds something soon!
   I had to laugh when I got off the subway in Toby's neighborhood. He lives in Bushwick, the residents of which are primarily from Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic and are also mostly working class. I must have stood out like a sore thumb because an older man who was working on his car, said "can I help you?" Now, he either thought "this white chick is surely lost" or I looked confused enough that he thoughtfully tried to help. The GPS on my phone was a great help on this trip. I found my way just fine.
   The last day there, Susan and I went to the area where the twin towers were. It was really eerie to be there. The big gap in the buildings where the World Trade Center had been was remarkable and very sad. As we walked toward the site, I also had little flashbacks of some of the video scenes of the streets leading up to the towers on the day they were hit. I can't imagine how horrible it was for the people who were there. It was sobering and surreal.
   Later that afternoon, my nice driver came back to give me a ride and the flight was smooth from there. I did realize this morning that I'd left my cute little knitting bag and my mp3 player on the plane. That's the second time I've left an mp3 player behind while traveling. This time, though, I called lost and found this morning and they actually found it and are sending it back. I wouldn't have been happy to have to replace it again. One little ray of hope in a dark, dark world. :-) I feel like Willy Wonka when Charlie gives back the Everlasting Gobstopper (in the original movie, not the creepy Johnny Depp version!). "So shines a good deed in a weary world." 
   I was glad to hang out in New York but I'm also really glad to be home. I'll be in bed by 8pm tonight, no doubt. The city just wore me out!