Saturday, March 26, 2011

Another Saturday Night and I Ain't Got Nobody...

I had a moment of panic a little earlier this evening when I found myself home alone on a Saturday night and watching Dancing with the Stars. I almost couldn't stand the horror. I'm ok now, though. The crisis has been averted. Thank god for DVR. 

At one point this afternoon when I came home from the gym, I thought, "So what's so bad about having a nice calm life where I don't have a partner?" I think I've been so focused on not having a partner or even a good date, really, that I haven't been appreciating the time I have with myself. I have so many things I can do that I really enjoy. I have friends I can get together with. I'm ok with it. 

I will do eHarmony once the divorce is filed but I'm not all that optimistic about it. That's ok too. Everything will happen in its own time. As one of my colleagues said recently, grass doesn't grow any faster if you pull it.

It's so cold out there tonight, I've built a fire in the fireplace, hopefully, for the last time in this apartment both because I hope it gets warmer and because I hope my next fire (in the fireplace) is in the condo I just bought! Yay! I'm really looking forward to living in a place that doesn't feel like a college apartment complex. Of course, they're sprucing this place up right as I leave...

I'm looking forward to having a garage that has a door right into the house. I'm looking forward to having a garage at all, actually. I'm looking forward to having more storage space and cathedral ceilings and new hardwood floors that I'll have installed before I move in. I'm looking forward to painting the walls whatever colors I want. 

Now all I have to do is get health insurance and I'll have a more stable life again. Looking forward to these final steps in setting up a new beginning.  

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Unrelated to the topic of this entry, let me say that I really, really appreciate those of you who expressed support and concern about my health care crisis crisis. I was kind of freaking out about it then. I'm feeling much better about it after talking to an insurance broker. There are at least a few more options to try before I'm without insurance at all and Geoff is generous enough to stay married for that process. I felt very loved when you responded. :-)

Now, to the title of this A new adventure. I decided to join for a number of reasons. First, I thought it would be interesting to try something different. Most of you might remember when online dating first came out. When I first moved to C-U, I was single and considered trying something like that but at that time, the rumor (fear) was that only crazy people used such services and you had a 90% chance of being abducted, assaulted and murdered if you even looked at the site. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about now that it's become more popular and I'm single again. 

Another reason for me to join was because I really, really want to learn to lighten up. Since I've always struggled with self-esteem, I thought it would be a good risk to just put myself out there and see what happens. I will say that it has triggered my shame more than once. I have a couple of pictures up and am convinced that when people see the pictures, they most often click very quickly to get away from the horror. Ok. I'm exaggerating but it feels a little that way. I think I'd only be satisfied if everyone who looked at my profile would then try to contact me. That's what I need to work on. Not very practical or good for me either. 

First of all, the process to even register took me a really long time! I'm not sure why, now that I think of it. There are a few places where you can write a narrative so I guess I took too long to write some of those. Once I was on, though, it was amazing how much action I got!! I'd limited my geographic search to within 20 miles of C-U but I got men from all over the country "winking" at me, sending a brief email, etc. I was so surprised and felt a little bit like "ok. Maybe I'm not so bad after all." Well...turns out this wasn't what we call a "corrective emotional experience" in my field.

I responded to one profile of a person who supposedly lived in Rome, GA. I was curious so I responded to an email. He responded and wanted to chat on Yahoo so I switched over to that. He came on waaaaayyyy strong but what an interesting guy! He was from Ireland. He had one daughter who was 12. His photos showed him painting but he was a computer salesman who traveled all over the world. He had been with his partner for 13 years and the two finally wanted to have a big wedding so they saved up all their money to do it up. Unfortunately, poor guy, two days before the wedding, he found out his wife had been cheating. She left him and their daughter and in the past 3 years, the mother had never tried to get in touch with the daughter. Oh....and then his parents died that same year and his sister died last year. This was all in one chat session!! He said that he was working in West Africa. Wow! That's really interesting, isn't it?! 

Jeez. I felt like such an idiot for not doing more research about before I signed up. After this weird chat, I immediately did a google search. Turns out, there are people who create false profiles, try to lure unsuspecting people and then try to get money from them (you know, like the "I lost my passport can you send me money to get out of __________?" whatever country they choose.) I reported the person and confronted him directly through a chat he started. He protested and became indignant. He told me I could check him with the FBI and gave an Atlanta number I could call to check on him. He'd even put up a fake business site (like on LinkedIn or something).  Then he said, "And after you check it out, never contact me again!" Okay...Needless to say, the profile was gone immediately.

I have to say, I wasn't really upset about the possible match falling through. I was more upset about what it says about people that they're pulling those kinds of scams. I never amaze myself by how trusting and naive I can be. I like that about myself but it also means I get disappointed in people frequently. I guess because in my work, I meet with people who make themselves vulnerable and have no reason not to tell the truth, I just expect people "out there" to be that way too. It's beyond my comprehension how people justify their behavior. I get it intellectually but it surprises me almost every time. I can spot these kinds of profiles now and am really annoyed with how many there are. I wrote to complain and told them I wanted to reduce my subscription so now I'll only be on for a month. It's worth that much of a try! 

In all fairness, I did meet one very nice man a couple of days ago and he was a good person. No love connection but I enjoyed the evening. It restored my faith in people a little bit. After this month, I guess I'll maybe try eHarmony to see if they block out scammers better. Maybe I'll just go back to meeting people the old fashioned way...or maybe I'll just be ok being alone!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Health Care Crisis Crisis

The health care crisis I've been hearing about all these years just hit home today. I received the news that my application for a new health insurance policy with the carrier I've had for years was declined. Now that I won't be able to be on Geoff's insurance, I have to find my own. I'm not sure why I was rejected yet. I'll be getting a letter in the mail soon telling me the reasons. I imagine it's all that depression and anxiety. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I'm in good health. I'm relatively young. I haven't had a single hospitalization for physical or mental health reasons. I'm going to need more health care because the stress of finding health care coverage is going to take a toll on my health!

I'm not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing that I had three clients in a row right after I got the news. It was good because it distracted me and kept me from panicking. It was a bad thing because I just wanted to cry and freak out but had to hold it together. I'm more aware than ever of how privileged I've been all my life to never worry in a significant way about health care coverage. I've always, always had insurance. I'm not sure what will happen if no one accepts me or if the cost becomes prohibitive. I feel pretty vulnerable and adrift. I think I have a much better idea of why people stay in marriages and jobs where they aren't happy. Is that the choice we have to make? Jeez. And what about the people who don't even have that choice. I trust that I'll figure something out.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


I can't tell you how exciting my life has been. To recent activities like cleaning the ashes out of my fireplace and sorting buttons at The IDEA Store, I've added sweet potato carving. Does it get any better than this? Really...

I went to a carving workshop at The IDEA Store yesterday and these cranky, crotchety older men with United States Veteran pins on every visible part of their vests and caps taught me and about 15 girl scouts how to carve a sweet potato. I guess the idea is to move on to wood...I really liked it! I've always wanted to take sculpture because I think my three D perspective is pretty good and I've never tried it before. 

Apparently, sweet potato carving is quite the craft. Carving an old man's face into the sweet potato seems to be a particularly popular pastime because the sweet potato shrivels up when it dries. It gets as hard as wood. Makes sense, I guess, because it is a root! Duh.

If you're interested, you can check out this book. :-) 
Such beautiful artwork (I'm joking). Seriously, I'd like to learn how to carve wood and make smooth, abstract objects with it. 

In the workshop, I picked my sweet potato and wanted to make a generic bird because the shape of the potato reminded me of a bird. It was the weirdest thing, though. The more I carved, the more the potato spoke to me. I thought maybe a robin or a cardinal but the potato kept whispering "penguin...I'm a penguin." So here's what I ended up with. Hilarious!! The sweet little girl scout who was sitting next to me said "that's such a cool penguin" and looked at me in awe. I'm that good. I'm too lazy to photoshop these so we'll let the art speak for itself. 

Not bad, huh? It will look nothing like this when it's all shriveled up. I know, I know "that's what she said." I'll try to remember to post a photo because then the excitement will have fully realized itself. 

Every time I try a new craft, I want to pick it up and get obsessed with it. I think I'd prefer wood but we'll see where this carving thing goes. Maybe I can mix knitting, bead making, painting, book binding, shrine making (another class I took recently), welding (I learned a little welding and would love to do more of it!), sweet potato carving and wood carving. If you have any ideas for a project that would combine all of these, please get in touch with me immediately!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Rough Weekend

Sweet Darkness

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

-- David Whyte