Choices

 My stepson, Toby, introduced me to Rob Brezsny's "free will astrology" today. I don't know much about it yet but I've enjoyed going to his website and reading the horoscopes he writes. For 2010, he tells me

You will need to learn a lot in 2010, Cancerian. You'll be in a phase of your long-term cycle when it will be wise to enhance your problem-solving skills and increase the knowledge you have at your disposal. So let me ask you: What can you do to gently shock yourself into prying open your mind? What is it that you don't know but need to know?

While this horoscope could probably apply to anyone, I have no doubt whatsoever that I'll need to learn a lot in 2010. I have bucketloads of things I don't know but need to know. I think I've already harshly shocked myself into prying my mind open but I'm sure a little extra push on the crowbar won't hurt. Maybe I'll ease up a little, though.

I liked one of the quotes Brezsny includes on his website.

I'm not proud to admit it but I tend to lean toward making myself miserable. In fact, I've become quite skilled at it. I think I have felt most of my life like I'm "supposed" to feel miserable. If I felt good or positive, then it meant one of three things:

1. that I was being callous to someone else's misery
2. that I was denying the hurt and pain that I was feeling and if I didn't acknowledge it, mirror it and tend to it, who would? 
3. that I was allowing myself to feel positive things that I didn't deserve.

I'm hoping that I've turned a corner on all three of these

For example, even though this is a difficult time for me, I found contentment attending the Christmas Eve service last night with Geoff, Toby and Maddy. My favorite parts each year are singing the Christmas carols and each of us holding a lit candle as we sing the last carol, Silent Night. I love the singing because I can belt out the harmony without fear. Everyone else is singing too and drowns me out if I'm a little off key. At the end of the service, when the sanctuary is lit just by the candles, I feel a sense of peace, softness and beauty in the world. We all look better when put in a softer light, I suppose.

On Christmas day today, my acquisitive side really enjoyed all the Graphic Design books and magazine subscriptions I was given. More than the material gifts, though, it's wonderful to have the support of family and friends in the new direction I'm exploring in life. So many stimulating, creative things to learn and new ways to see! These gifts will feed my creative spirit and provide a focus for my passion.

Contrary to what Castaneda says, I wonder if making myself happy will actually feel like less work rather than more. It's been exhausting to feel miserable. I'm ready to seek my happiness, hopefully with grace and compassion but with a strong determination to believe that I'm worthy of it.