Saturday, June 19, 2010

One Last Look

Well, yesterday, we closed on our house. I knew I'd probably be emotional afterward but I'm surprised at how hard it's hitting me. I took pictures of our empty house but it didn't affect me all that much at the time. That's kind of like when people take pictures at a funeral, isn't it?! I never quite understood that but now I guess I get it a little bit. Makes it more real. I had run over after the closing (with the permission of the new owners) to do some last minute cleaning that Geoff couldn't get to. 

While I was there, the new owners showed up so I had to get out. I had forgotten to tell them something so I went back up to the house and I actually had to ring the doorbell of my own home. It was sad and hard. 

Right after the closing, I left town to come to lovely Two Rivers Wisconsin (almost to Green Bay!). I'll post more about that later. The weather at the beginning of the trip seemed to be mirroring my feelings. Luckily, once I got into the heart of the storm, it only lasted about 20 minutes but it was a hard downpour. 

For the several hours of the drive that remained, I just generated my own tears. I felt so lonely, sad, uncertain. Most of you know that I had a phone interview with Boston College. Thinking about the possibility of picking up and moving there in August is hitting me too. That would be pretty soon!!

I've lived in Champaign-Urbana for 17 years and it's hard to think of leaving. That's not much time to process it all. That's how life happens, though, I suppose. Someone once told me that he thought I'm fearless. I think he was wrong. I'm actually not fearless but I do think I'm courageous which is better in my opinion.  If you're fearless, then it's never a challenge. If you feel fear and do it anyway, now that's strength.

I have lots of fears but I also respect my courage in moving toward the fear and working through it rather than running away from it or avoiding it or just shoving it under the carpet. If the stars align and it's the right thing for me to go to Boston, then I trust that I'll know it when the time comes. No matter how scary it is, I'll jump in and I won't hem and haw about it. After all, look how the drive ended today. Things always clear up eventually.

1 comment:

  1. I think you are courageous too - especially because many of the changes you've gone through have been something you've taken the initiative to do. It's one thing to be courageous because something is thrust upon you - it's another to make a choice that you make for yourself, and then follow through on that. So, right on! Onward and upward! Just keep walking through the fire and you'll get to the other side eventually.

    I'm assuming the phone interview went well - it would kind of stink that just as we're moving back to the midwest, you'd be leaving, but that's how it goes!

    And I know exactly how you feel about leaving your house. This is why I generally don't like to go back to houses we've lived in. I haven't been back by the house in C'ville since we left - I don't want to see what they've done to the house, and heaven forbid I would see a neighbor, stop to talk, and the new owners would come out. The ones in C'ville really pissed me off at closing, so I just wouldn't want to see them.