Thank you to those of you who sent emails reassuring me that you read my blog! I seriously wasn't fishing for that. It did make me feel loved, though. I have a really bad habit of assuming that if I'm out of someone's sight, I'm out of their mind.
It's hard for me to trust that I matter and that I'm loved so I project all kinds of rejection onto silence. Not just rejection but indifference, which I find far more painful than rejection (relatively). Causes me lots of unneeded worry. If someone does reject me, it's their loss anyway, right? (now I am fishing - feel free to agree with me on that one). I'm working to figure out how I can believe someone's feelings are still there even when they aren't reassuring me every five minutes.
It's kind of embarrassing that I'm already 30 years old and I still can't seem to grasp the concept of fully trusting and receiving consistent unconditional love. What's my deal?! Well, I know what my deal is. I won't bore you with family of origin details. Most of you already know them anyway (or experienced them with me).
I don't think it's that people haven't offered it, either. You all know who you are and I appreciate you staying with me while I learn. I think I don't know how to receive it. I suppose I could pull a Sarah Palin and write it on the palm of my hand. If I'm ever in doubt I could just look down and see "you matter to..." and list people. I guess that didn't work out so well for her, though, huh?
I mean, how do you know someone still cares if they're out of touch or if you go your separate ways? It's a serious question. You just know, magically? Is it something they've said or done? Is it about how much you believe in yourself and feel lovable? Do you say to yourself, "Of course they love me and are thinking about me. Who wouldn't? Look at me! I'm great!!" Please help my therapist out here if you have any pointers to help me get there.
I hope you know that even though I may not tell you every day (that would get old very quickly -- for you, not me!), I hold each of you very close to my heart and value your friendship/ sistership. I really hope I'm better at expressing my unconditional love than I am at receiving it. I'll keep trying... ;-)
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Maybe if you think of the other person's (my) point of view - it makes me feel sad to think you don't realize how loved you are...is it a rejection of my love if you think it comes & goes? And by the way, how is it you're already 30 when I'm only 29??
ReplyDeleteHa! Ha! Ha! You're so funny!! I'm ALWAYS trying to convince people I'm older than I am so I thought I'd pad my age with a few years. I didn't think about how old that would make you look. :-) Where's that blog of yours? I want to see it...
ReplyDeleteI've heard the idea before that it's kind of an insult to the people who love me that I don't have faith in their love. I think it's more that I don't trust myself to judge whether others are trustworthy because there have been so, so many times over the years that people's feelings did change or I was playing for keeps and they were playing for fun (or some other unknown motive). I just need to trust that I can learn from those mistakes and be a better judge of character! Or, on those occasions where I trust and shouldn't, that it's the exception rather than the rule. It wasn't always the exception, though. I don't actually do this with everyone. Mostly men!! I feel pretty confident in most of my women friends, Maddy, you and Sarah...
This is not about Geoff specifically either so I hope people aren't reading that into it. It's about me and my longstanding issues. Now that my immediate crises are over, I'm stepping back and taking a deeper look at what gets in the way of my own comfort and happiness.
Wow. This is like a whole new blog entry. I sure am wordy (lonely?)!